“We fear men so much, because we fear God so little. One fear cures another. When man’s terror scares you, turn your thoughts to the wrath of God.”

William Gurnall

I’ve talked about approval before, so this isn’t about seeking affirmation. Instead, I want to focus on the controlling effects of fear.

In my experience, people tend to handle the fear of others in two distinct ways. While there are certainly more approaches, these two seem to be the most common.

The first approach I’d describe is the reserved approach. This reflects someone who responds to the fear of others by withdrawing or holding back. They may limit their interactions with people, engaging just enough to mask the inner fear that dominates their thoughts and emotions.

“Authentic relationships necessitate time, effort, and vulnerability.”

On the surface, they may appear relationally functional, maintaining enough involvement to seem productive. However, they avoid conversations that might bring attention to their true feelings, choosing instead to process their emotions privately. This internalization, while preserving a semblance of control, leads to relational distraction. They become passive participants, incapable of fully engaging with the depth of connection that meaningful relationships require.

Authentic relationships necessitate time, effort, and vulnerability. But those who struggle to confront their emotions and avoid open communication become sidelined. They show up to the conversation but remain on the periphery, as spectators rather than active participants. By failing to address their fears and emotional needs, they disengage from the true essence of relational exchange.

The second approach is what I’d call the manipulative approach. This reflects someone who, driven by fear, subtly seeks to control relational dynamics through passive-aggressive behavior. Their fear remains hidden, obscured by their attempts to influence others. They manipulate not only the narrative but also the emotional climate, instilling fear in those around them.

In doing so, they aim to either secure a position of power or leverage their existing position to silence any discussions that might expose their underlying fear of others. This strategy enables them to avoid confronting their vulnerabilities while maintaining control over their relationships.

“The persona they present is merely a mask, concealing the weakness and vulnerability they believe must remain hidden.”

Unfortunately, I have been a victim of this dynamic. Those in positions of authority wielded their power to silence dissent, especially on matters that were ultimately non-essential. They used the pulpit as a platform for bullying, calling individuals into their offices—a space often charged with the implication of trouble. Through their tone of voice and aggressive behavior, they exerted an unspoken threat, using intimidation to maintain control and prevent any challenge to their views.

Both the reserved and manipulative approaches to handling the fear of others ultimately lead to harm and dysfunction in relationships. In their own ways, these approaches create an environment where true connection and trust are undermined, resulting in relational pain. I would even argue that they foster dysfunction, preventing the growth of healthy, authentic friendships.

In their fear of rejection, they end up rejecting true relationships. The persona they present is merely a mask, concealing the weakness and vulnerability they believe must remain hidden. I understand this fear—it’s the fear that what is most authentic within us will be rejected, so we guard it at all costs.

“We fear those around us, yet fail to fear God, who knows everything about us.”

I struggle with the tension that arises when I relax and begin speaking with fewer restraints. In those moments, I can’t help but wonder what others might be thinking and how they will respond. I don’t feel safe. This reveals either an unhealthy fear of others or a lack of wisdom in knowing when it’s appropriate to lower my guard with certain people.

We must be cautious with this, not out of fear of others, but because people can cause harm and even weaponize vulnerability. Our openness can be turned against us, and the damage it causes can be profound.

What is often confusing is our failure to recognize that God is the one person with whom we can truly be ourselves. Not embracing this truth reveals how much reverence we have lost for the One who understands our nature and sees the hidden things within our hearts. We fear those around us, yet fail to fear God, who knows everything about us. In our lack of fear of God, we magnify our fear of others, leading us to either manipulate relationships or withdraw internally, hiding our true selves and emotions from those around us.

We must return to a genuine, healthy understanding of who God is, so we can properly contextualize the fear we experience when concerned about others’ opinions. In 2 Timothy 1:6-8, Paul encourages Timothy to “fan into flame” the gift God had given him, reminding him that God has not given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control.

Fear can often arrive uninvited, and if we’re not careful, it can undermine our ability to function with a sound mind. Instead of acting from a place of clarity and wisdom, we may allow our fears to manipulate us, causing us to either manipulate relationships or withdraw from them—missing the opportunities to contribute meaningfully to them.